The 10 Commandments
from the HBO special "Complaints and Grievances"
Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there
I AM THE LORD THY GOD
Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:
HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER
Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling
people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be
automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's
performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't,
period. You're down to six.
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL
Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same
kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine
them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest".
And suddenly you're down to 5.
THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY
Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case
it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in
the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about
someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's
waxing his carrot? But, marital fidelity is a good idea so we're gonna
keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful".
And suddenly we're down to four.
THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS
This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:
THOU SHALT NOT KILL
Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:
Thou shalt always be honest and faithful
Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course
Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
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